House hunting and dating are surprisingly similar

Trust me. This comparison may not be as random as you think.

Jun 06, 2021

If you’re following Dear Seekers on Instagram, you probably already know that we recently did a very grown-up thing: We bought a house!

“Congrats! This is so exciting… Did you know this was THE house when you put your offer in?" a very close friend messaged me when I shared the news with her.

Here is the interesting thing. Right before I was getting married in 2019, my cousin asked me a very similar question: “How did you know Stephen was the one?”

I started to wonder why are we so obsessed with finding “the one”? Why are we so clinging on this idea that there is gotta be this one person, one property waiting for us somewhere in the universe for us to claim? Is there? And how exactly do we know if we find “the one”?

Before these two questions came in my life, the idea that “match made in heaven” should be the best outcome for both events had honestly never crossed my mind. Not once. I always thought finding a partner was more so a romantic endeavour which love is the main deciding factor, while house hunting has more so to do with wealth and generational wealth. They do not intersect.

But the more I wonder, the more investigate through my personal experiences and the more I access my own emotions, I was able to form a new perspective (to me) which I’ll be sharing towards the end of this letter.

And first, let me take you on my personal journey.

The “just-looking” Phase.

House hunting:

Before I got pregnant, living in a one-bedroom apartment in the city with a husband, a cat and a dog already seemed to be a little too crowded. But we managed. We didn’t want to trade the city life for a bigger space. But when I was about half way through my pregnancy with the pandemic in the mix, I knew we would have to eventually find a bigger space once the baby is here. The bigger my my belly grows, the more I was craving for a house that we could call home - not sure if it was because I was literally and physically taking up more and more space each day. So we started casually looking. Very casual. Maybe going on the real estate sites a couple of times a month.

But we did have quite a few criteria in mind.

In a good location and neighbourhood.
In close proximity to restaurants, shops, good daycares and schools.
Has at least three bedrooms.
A century home with old charms.
High ceilings.
A decent size backyard.
(Ideally) a front porch.
…

The list goes on and on. We know this perfect house most likely wouldn't fit into our budget. But hey, dreaming doesn’t cost a penny.

Partner searching:

Before I met Stephen, I knew what qualities in a partner are important to me- the good-to-haves, the must-haves and the turn-ons.

Healthy. Have a sense of humour. Kind. Smart. Compassionate. Love kids (I already knew I wanted to have children then). Curious. Close with his families. His friends are decent human beings. Know how to have fun but not too much fun. (You know ! Drink a little but not an alcoholic). Not a divorcee with kids because being a step mom wasn’t something I wanted to sign up for. Into travel or (even better) well-traveled. Maybe know how to cook (well)...

The list goes on and on. And that was when we were both still in college years. If I was back in the dating scene now, I would probably have additional criteria like, having a decent job and steady income, not only love kids but is responsible enough to be a father, discerning, well-read and etc.

I knew this perfect human doesn't exist. But at least list-building is free (however, little did we know it’s not entirely free- it does cost disappointment).

Active Searching Phase

House hunting:

After a couple of months in the “browsing” period, we’re now officially rolling up our sleeves and getting ready to make a move.

Our mortgage has been pre-approved.

Our budget is now clear.

It’s time to get serious.

It’s time to judge books by their covers.

Every morning, emails from different agents would land in our inbox (as we were looking at multiple areas).

As we excitedly yet nervously sipping through each listing, this is how my internal dialogue goes:

Oh this house is so cute. But wait, it only has two bedrooms?

Okay, next.

Oh this one is sooooo me. It was built in circa 1901 and has such a high ceiling. But wait, it’s in the middle of nowhere. Hmmmm. Okay, I don’t love it THAT much to have to travel half an hour to just talk to a human being.

Oh, this one! Look look, it has everything I’ve ever dreamed of…

except, it’s at the maximum of our budget. This means with the current housing market which everything goes $100K-$300K over asking, it would no longer be in our budget…

I guess, next?

Oh this one...

Partner searching:

If you’re currently in the dating scene, actively looking for someone special, you are probably going on dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, matchmaker sites like Plenty of Fish, or Facebook hangout groups. You look at their appearance. Their profile. The way they dress. The way they present themselves.

Topless selfie in a bathroom? Narcissist. Next.

A profile photo with their mom? Mama’s boy. Next.

A group photo is the only photo he’s posted? Co-dependent. Next.

…

Trying to find a clue and a cue if this person is worth your time to make the next move. You swipe left and swipe right.

“Make a move” Phase

House hunting:

So after a couple of months of searching, we’ve come to the realization that our budget is too thin for our expectations. So we had no choice but compromising, scratching things off that “dream” list and persuading ourselves that some “wants” are simply not “needs”. Our original list is now quite skinny and bare, and has shrunken to the “must-haves” and the “non-negotiables”.

A couple of weeks passed, our shortlist landed us our first match. We didn’t love the house. There was no butterfly in our stomach. But by now, we had learnt that we certainly don’t have the privilege to be too picky. Beggers can’t be choosers. We are responsible adults here.

So I started to force myself to imagine its potential, started to feed our hope on mood boards, and started to think outside the box- so outside that it’s no longer anywhere near our original box. But hey, we have hope. “Potential” has become our favourite word.

Then we decided to put an offer for this okay-house that (we hope) has lots of potential. We are willing to settle for less.

Only to find out....

someone else has outbid us by $150K more.

It feels like being rejected by someone who you weren’t even interested in the first place.

Partner searching:

After all that searching, you’ve come to a clear realization that your fantasy is a fantasy and if you ever want to find someone, you’ve gotta be *more realistic*.

Maybe he doesn’t have to be so tall.

Who cares if he doesn’t like to travel?

His poor style shouldn’t be a deal-breaker.

You have persuaded yourself to finally make a move…

only to be ghosted on your first virtual date.

You start to worry that you might become that listing that has been in the market for so long that everyone thinks it’s gotta be something wrong with it.

The Depressing Phase

Now, we are getting into a period of “whatever” - searching with one eye open and half heart shut. And in order to keep going, we would have to create a parallel universe- one where we are more than happy to be renting forever and single for life.

Maybe I can just rent forever. Maybe owning a house is overrated. Shovelling snow in the winter is going to be brutal anyway.

Being single is so great. I get to be with whoever and whenever I want. Who needs someone to make me feel great? I can continue singing “all the single ladies” with pride. I have all my single friends. They are enough. More than enough.

But no matter how many comforting things we are trying to “sell" to ourselves in order to see the light in the dark, deep down though, we know we are longing for a house, a partner. And ultimately, a home.

And when we see strangers on Instagram bought their first dream home or friends flashing that diamond ring on Facebook, we start to become bitter and cynical.

“Am I ever able to find a house for my family? EVER?”

“Am I ever able to find love, find someone? Anyone?”

And worse, we start asking:

“Is there anything wrong with me? I don’t deserve this? Maybe I shouldn’t have been too picky? Or waited this long to pull the trigger?”

This is the time when consuming emotions like self doubts, negativities, anger and stress are creeping into our psyche.

Why do we take this so personal when the market isn’t working in our favour or responding to our calls?

Well, because it is personal.

It’s an act of longing and searching for a promising future when no one could promise us when or even if we would ever get to have a slice of the pie. And we know when someone is taking one more slice, it means our chance of getting ours becomes just slightly slimmer. There is only certain amount of “inventory” in the market.

One more slice, and then, one more slice.

This process could be draining, painful and hopeless.

And this is why we want to and choose to believe the concept of “the one”- not necessarily that there is a one-and-only for us, but rather, there is simply one for us. We want all the struggles to be worth a while. We want to see the light at the end of the tunnel- and if we can’t see it, at least we want to believe it.

So, now back to the question. How did I know the house we were about to buy and the man I was saying “I do” to was the one?

I didn’t.

I chose them to be “my ones”. I chose Stephen to be my life partner who I am willing to devote and commit to. We chose this house to be our home which we will pour love and time towards.

Believing “the one” do not mean buying into fairytales.

Lists are important.

Pros and cons should be weighed in.

But, sometimes, when you see the right one or meet the right person,

none of the list matters.

Dream doesn’t mean perfect.

Being realistic doesn’t (always) mean settling.

Compromising might have nothing to do with selling yourself short.

It’s (sometimes) impulsive.

It takes a little luck.

Blend in with some serendipity.

It may even be counterintuitive yet intuitive at the same time.

It requires gut checking.

Leap of faith.

Risk taking.

But finding “the one” is just the beginning.

Nurturing the relationship with “the one” is what makes “the one” the one.

It’s a long time commitment and devotion.

It means seeing the potential.

Seeing it as a space to evolve, grow and expand.

Lastly, here is the twist.

Although this letter is about “searching", Stephen and I actually met each other when were weren’t even looking for a partner. Sometimes the right one comes around the corner when you least expected.

And a side note, we will be moving in our new home in late August/September, and will be spending quite a lot of time renovating the house with it being a fixer-upper. I thought about sharing the process here. If you’d like that, please let me know by simply replying to this email.

In the meantime, here are some of the home renovation projects I’m currently following on Instagram. Just so you know, these beautiful homes bring pure pleasure, no pressure (sweating).